Monday, April 11, 2016

I can do this, even if I can't, I have to try

Nothing in this life comes easy.  Except pain.  It is with this overwhelming and constant reminder I try daily to do something.  I used to try to do more with each day.  To lift my spirits with the number of things I had accomplished.  It took me too long to realize doing anything, no matter the difficulty or abundance was more important to me.   Now I take things a bit slower, say yes but not too often and I live in every moment I can.  I will spend my life doing a well-orchestrated performance around the pain, the emotional strain, the financial stress and the responsibility of being a professional patient.

It took me nearly as many years as I have been diagnosed to learn the balance between lying and being scary honest. 

When you see me out, doing normal things, active things, just sitting down movie things; I am lying.  I am not fine.  I am not feeling good.  The better I look, the more polish I’ve managed that day.

When I am advocating, at Home, in the Hospital I’m honest.  All walls fall.  I’m tired of performing, I’m past the point where I can deny the help I need and I understand these are not the places lying will make things easier or better for anyone.

I’m currently on a journey again with my RA.  Trying desperately to make the transition off of my permanent disability to the working world.  I’ve wrestled for so long as to what makes sense for my life and if I have anything left to give.  A huge part of me told myself when I went on disability that I would only come back for a job that dealt with RA and that would do as much healing in the world as it would do harm to my body.  It’s still a dream for me.  But smack dab in reality I hope that I can work for a Bakery in my town.  Creating things with my hands that most people would think impossible.  It does a lot of harm.  BUT.  In a regular kitchen, where many perfectly healthy people feel challenged I can excel for a few hours.  350 degrees, a good attitude, a hope and pray for the next day and I can turn sugar and butter into things people will pay for.  I’m addicted to this feeling.  People think pills are my problem, I’m hooked on pride. 

I hope the next thing I take the time to write is about the working world and finding a way to coexist but if it’s not…

…I’m going to be ok.

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Dating with RA series, entry #2

Author's Note: This series will post once a month, if you are living with RA and would like to contribute a story from your life, please leave me a comment and I will contact you.  I have been working very hard to try and write for all of us living and loving with RA.  

If there is an end to Chris and Cassey, then that means there was also a beginning and so I’ll have to take you pretty far down memory lane, but the road, no matter how long leads to Chris, I promise.  Just hang in there for me.
It’s very important to get flowers that don’t have a get well card attached to them.  To hear someone other than a relative say they love you.  As your time on the earth ticks closer and closer to your expiration date, you wonder quite often if you’ll be able to squeeze in all that life is supposed to offer.  It turns out that some of the most enjoyable things take two people. 
Even in my early twenties I’d come to a conclusion that I’d probably lead a lonely life, at least when it came to finding my someone.  Many years ago, when I was actually enjoying a relatively normal life in remission, I’d had a very serious boyfriend.  We met early on in High School and even when we graduated we stuck together like glue.  One afternoon his Mother(who I’d come to think of as a second Mother) took me out to lunch.  She sat across from me very businesslike, and it went a little like this,
“One day you’re going to be sick again, most likely very sick.  And my son loves you so much he’ll let you hold him back.  He doesn’t deserve that and I know you know that because I believe you love him too.  If you love him like I think you do, you’ll let him go so he can have a full life.” 
Bare in mind as she said this to me, I was twisting something around and around my left ring finger.  On each revolution three brilliantly shining stones that he’d said held our past, present and future, sparkled up at me.  Despite my RA, he’d asked me to marry him the year after we graduated high school.  I’d forgotten what it was like to be a burden on anyone’s life but in just a few words, his Mother had made this symbol of our love heavy with guilt. She had sucked all the air out of the room and for once in a very long time, I couldn’t say a word.  I was so afraid if I said anything, even if I managed to disagree with her, I’d cry in front of her and I couldn’t bring myself to give her that.  Somewhere deep inside me I knew there was truth to what she worried about.  I wanted, more than anything else in the world to be able to tell her that she was wrong but I knew that afternoon she’d won, that I wouldn’t let my disease shape his life.  But it wasn’t until that moment I realized that even as a healthy adult woman, my RA was putting up road blocks to my future happiness. 
As the years went on, every time I met a man I would hear her words again.  For a while it kept me from getting serious with anyone.  While you are healthy it’s easy to party with your friends, meet boys and never get to a point where I had to disclose my differences.  It was easier for me to hide behind a facade that made me just one of the girls.
For a while this was my favorite arena.  I enjoyed the camouflage that my group of gorgeous girlfriends allowed me.  Their spirit and laughter and endless amounts of energy fed me on a mental and physical level I had never had.  Within our tight knit ranks they protected me when little pieces of RA crept back into my life.  After long nights of dancing they’d linked arms with me to hide a limp, they would supply me with caffeine pick me ups while I sat on counters applying make up for them, and on those countless morning after our adventures they’d lay in bed with me, far past the time they felt tired, just to give me the extra time I needed.  My girls were a well-oiled machine that let me fit in, at all costs. 
I didn’t discuss what I had back then.  I did my best to not think about that part of my life.  I worked two jobs, late nights and weekends and spent all my spare time making memories with these wonderful women, I drank too much, said yes more than I said no as a rule to life and I picked the wrong kind of men to make the fun kind of mistakes with.  Men who never took me serious because I wanted it that way.  In my mind I was finally just as desirable a candidate to them as any other girl and nothing, nothing at all held me back from being with them the same way someone completely normal could.  Modern medicine and my solid confidence my friends had helped me build in myself had leveled the dating playing field for me, and for once I was very good at something.  Mostly because, for me, none of it was as serious because it was all, they were all, very temporary. 
And just as it had been predicted, I got sick again. 
I couldn’t keep up, no matter how I tried.  I pushed my body to ridiculous limits rebelling against the disease I had worked so hard to push out of my body.  I was so proud that after being its prisoner for most of my childhood years, with the help of experimental injections I’d flipped the script and locked that bitch away for six solid years.  Six incredible, amazing, crazy independent years. 
All of sudden no matter how many new medications they forced into my veins and countless pills down my throat, nothing changed.  The only thing I could do was sit back and watch as I was taken out of my job, college classes and my social life came to a screeching halt. 
Every once and great while I’d pull myself around agonizingly slow, in full RA glory, which takes many forms depending on your level of fight at the moment.  I stubbornly dragged my crumbling joints around on crutches for a few months because crutches were something I could pass off as temporary.  It was like some cool injury I’d bounce back from.  So off I would go maybe once a month to pacify my friend’s requests to just hang out.  It was self-imposed torture that made everyone around me feel better.  My parents were ecstatic to see me leave my room and my friends always missed me.   As things got worse and the fight in me waned away, I let my girls talk me into being pushed around in my wheelchair to go shopping for clothes I didn’t have any use for.  Pajamas are like the unofficial uniform of RA.  You sleep in them, you spend days in them, find ways to make them acceptable for RA related outings and you only get out of them to shower and put on more pajamas no matter if it’s day or night.  But I loved my friends and family, so I gave into these requests even though I hated nearly every second of it.  I was incredibly uncomfortable being a very newly 20 something in a wheelchair, because there are only so many explanations but plenty of questioning stares.  I didn’t look like myself anymore because I couldn’t keep any weight on unless I was on steroids and I never had the energy to make myself look anything other than a very sick person. 
So for a long time I existed in this space somewhere between self-hatred and depression.  It’s a little like that sensation you have as a child swimming in the ocean for the first time.  Almost everyone who has wandered near a seashore has had these moments.   Moments when you go further out than you think you did and all of sudden there’s no floor under you just the waves that topple over your head.  You’re caught up before you know it and as you make your way above and under the surface, it’s not under your own power.  If you’re breathing or not it’s only by the force of something outside yourself, the force of the wave, how much precious time your head bobs above the water, or the breathless struggle underneath its surface, it’s all by chance and your powerless in that moment.  Your only choice is to calm down and wait for it to be over, having no idea what the outcome will be.  That is what active RA life is like.
I was utterly powerless and I was angry.  I couldn’t get past all of the things I was losing.  I would spend hours sitting in the window box in my room, forehead pressed lightly against the cold glass.  Through the window I watched all types of lives go on.  Day in and day out they kept moving and living and I could do little more than watch.  Shifting my weight caused me pain, not moving at all caused me pain.  Pain was always there.

One night my phone buzzed next to me and woke me from a light sleep.  The TV remote was stuck to my face. Around nine that evening I’d turned on the musical Funny Girl and taken the pain medication, sleeping pill and tall glass of water laid out neatly for me.  In my medically induced rest period I’d drooled across my favorite grey pillow and thus practically cemented the remote to my face.  Wonderful.  My phone buzzed again startling me even more awake and knocking the remote onto the sheets next me.  All the while my phone still buzzing, dancing across my bed til it knocked the remote to the ground. As it neared midnight my best friend’s call had knocked my all important TV remote to no man’s land.  Doubly great. 
“Hello, Lill, are you ok?” I said, clearing my throat and the sleep from my voice.
“Hey doll, get dressed!”  she sang into my half-awake eardrum.
“Come on” she pleaded, “Get dressed, or just put on PJ pants.  I promise there is no walking required.  IN FACT!,”  she paused giggling into the phone, “if you can make it down here to me, I’ll have you carried around like a Queen for the rest of the night”
“And what is so pressing of the Queen’s attention?”
I bantered back with her, humoring her in what had to be at least a half drunken state.  She shushed loudly into the phone and then whispered,
“Boys, as in plural, as in get your butt down here”
“Lill, seriously?”
“I’m going to put your royal highness's sister on the phone because I can hear you doubting me.  I can sense you saying no you lil’ bitch.  Just wait on that no for me”
There was some rustling and laughing in the background and a lot more shushing then my sister’s voice came over the line.
“CASS!!!  Get in your car, WAIT!  Brush your hair THEN get in your car.  There are boys in baseball uniforms here. I’m taken and this is being WASTED, WASTED I TELL YOU! On me.  I’m throwing you some very attractive bones here because I can’t PLAY BALL! just now.  Get me?”
“Ooooh kay, I’m hanging up now”
“I love you. Get up, get out, live your life!  We all miss you”
There was silence on the other end of the line as I went to the mirror in my room.  I wiped a solid white line of drool from my cheek and then noticed my car keys where they had resided on my desk for so long the dust that had collected could have been mistaken for snow.  It had been weeks since I’d left the box of a room I’d shut myself away in.  I looked up again at myself in the mirror, ironically I was wearing my maroon baseball sleeves.  I took this as a sign.
“CASS! I’m picturing you leaving, right? I mean you’re on your way, RIGHT?  Come on                     Cass.”
“I heard you, hear this?”  I said as I shook my keys into my phone.
“SHE”S COMING!!!” And then a whole crowd rang out behind her. 

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Dating with RA series Part one

Author's Note-This is a fictional story about the pitfalls of chronic illness and one's love life. All characters and events are from my imagination and inspired by many of the people I've known who are dealing with chronic illness.  There is no title just now, but I'm very open to suggestions.  Posts will be made 2 times a week until its conclusion.  

When I was a wife...

I’m going to do a weird flashback thing here, I’ll start where me and Christopher ended, you’ll catch up I promise.  I think this story only makes sense this way.  I’ll go back and show you things, tell you stories that are happy, sad, important and the things that should have been blaring red flag moments, but we’re all so busy and blind they just collect and become regular memories. 

On a warm May night I lay sprawled on the floor of my apartment, where I’d taken a relatively small tumble thanks in part to a crumbling hip joint that was more dust than functioning ball and socket, staring at a screen that held your number in the very first speed dial position.  I watched the light flick on and off quickly enough to know your phone was off.  There would come a time where truth would fill in where doubt once lived.  But at that time I would lay with my cheek pressed into tear soaked carpet wondering why I couldn’t reach you.  I would curse battery life and lost reception imagining all the places at work where the phone would flash with a no service message.  I would lay there for 3 hours, way past the time you should have been off work, wondering if I should call someone else, or chance getting up onto wrecked knees and arms that were tired of carrying me around while my legs had become worthless.  I’d stayed there in so much pain, growing more and more anxious when you didn’t come home.  Back then I even excused your absence with my first thought, that you had stayed to work overtime because God knows we needed it.  Eventually I worked myself up between the table leg and the wall and excoriatingly slowly made myself upright again.  I half dragged myself to bed, alone at a little past 3 in morning, silently wishing you didn’t have to work as hard as you did.  But sometime in the future, months down the line I would sit in a cold and sterile office lined on all the available wall space with files of failed relationships, where our story would join its ranks and be reduced to bullet points and dollar signs.  Here I would learn where you had fled to escape me that fated evening.  How you’d lived on credit, and spent money we never had.  In days that I counted every precious, painful step, my main event of the day making it from the bed to the couch and back again on borrowed time only with the aid of a walker, small surges of painkillers and vicious stubbornness that illness so rarely got to steal.  Not even a mile from our home, you checked into a hotel known for its transgressions under the name we shared as man and wife with a much younger and healthy woman who saw you only for the knight in shining armor qualities.  Perhaps she loved you even then, when I had known you that way, I had loved you too.  It’s easy to love when you only exist in places where the real world can’t touch.  I was racing to get to a hospital that would free me of my last ruined hip joint hoping desperately to rejoin life and Chris was trying to make this time last as long as possible.  Because in my limited existence, he had started a new life, he had begun living again without me. 

When I imagine the things that went on behind locked doors I don’t always imagine the obvious.  I see how he must have seemed so tired, and so defeated.  How he might have reached out in the beginning just to feel like he mattered in a world that had shifted so violently between us.  Our whole life consisted of doctor’s appointments, overdo medical bills, and delayed disability benefits.  I couldn’t do normal tasks anymore, I couldn’t do much of anything beyond managing pain.  Before I needed my hips replaced I prided myself of the kind of wife I was.  On the home I took care of, the meals I cooked, the trips we went on.  When I wasn’t so sick, I spent so much of my energy helping Chris, spoiling him because I knew what lay ahead.  I thought I could bank time. I thought I would create so many memories between the two of us that I could stoke a fire big enough to burn when I no longer had any ability to do those things.  I know he tried to fix me.  I was there.  I remember the tentative forehead kisses he reserved on difficult days where he wanted to spare me any added pain.  I am fully aware the hospital rooms where he slept on chairs, how he watched me walk again with a sparkle of hope in his eyes.  I know at moments he saw the glimpse of what he wanted for us.  If he could have held onto healthy versions of me, I think he would have been happy. But in this life there were too many valleys, and only long ago peaks that so very rarely dotted our existence.  There is something fundamentally wrong with taking medication and not getting any better.  Not everyone can handle what the word chronic really means.  Chris wanted a reward for all the work we did to keep me healthy and RA just doesn’t work that way.

I know she comforted him, told him many times that it was ok to feel lost.  I imagine how she would whisper to him that he had done more than enough, more than so many others had done.  And there is so much truth there.  SO many times I had said the same through a curtain of tearful regret.  I find it funny that this woman I knew so little about could sing his praises in a twisted harmony with myself. 

I’m not as angry as you’d think that they found their way to each other because he needed exile from our life.  I knew, almost immediately, the appeal that any other woman would bring.  I think, even when ladies like myself have great days or weeks or heaven-sent months of reprieve we still fear the coming of tomorrow’s sun because it is not always a promise of new beginnings sometimes it only brings new horror.  On nights where I could dress up and play the healthy counterpart of his wife and his friends would say nice things about how pretty I was, I didn’t look sick, how they wished they had wives who could cook the way I did, these were moments I wished I could freeze time and live only there.  But in lots of ways RA is so much like the way midnight strikes in Cinderella and all the world comes crashing down around her.  My fairytale fell apart because good days are followed by pain, fatigue and limitation.  Probably worst of all, sometimes it crushes the hard work and hope that you have settled in as a couple.  

Friday, May 1, 2015

MAY 2015!

In honor of Arthritis Awareness Month I will be posting a fictional story about dating and RA, hopefully two times a week for the whole month.  I've worked on this story, in more than one form, over the years and maybe it's time to just put it out there.  Today is just a small introduction, so enjoy and stay tuned!

When dating traditionally begins I was in a clinical, medicated remission discovering the whirlwind of teenage romance relatively unscathed by my disease.  It only highlighted passages of my adventures and misadventures, peaking in and out from time to time but never settling long enough to do serious damage, when things went wrong they were usually just a young girl and a young man finding their footing while you wade into the great big sea of fish out there.  What happens when chronic illness awakens like the dormant dragon it was?  

It slowly but surely uncurled itself and stretched back out within my body claiming all its old haunts and filling itself to the ends of my toes and tips of my fingers.  Then there are times it stretches just a bit further and into the lives of people you love.  Sometimes they will love you still, sometimes that touch is too much for others and because they can, they leave.  Even when you think you’ve done enough to make them stay, even when they make permanent choices to be with you, in the end no one really has to deal with your sickness but you and this is the story of staying, going, and trying to do just fine.  Within this text you’ll find out how illness makes us a threesome.

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

The business end of pain management.

It’s a small, nondescript white pill that is sometimes the only shaky bridge over troubled waters so I have a semblance of a normal day.  Sometimes it is relief that runs through my veins and limbs from a time I pushed too long or too far. Sometimes it’s a precaution, it’s a preventative measure so that maybe the pain will never touch me. A curtain to hide from sharp looks and long slow knowing head shakes.  It’s an invisible cane that helps disguise the ever present step, drag, step I’ve long since perfected.

Sometimes I fight the urge to take it and do my best to conjure up old strength and will and I just can’t get there.  I lie in bed staring down the ice breaker to my day, wondering when dependency got this heavy.  So heavy that without it I stand to let down longtime friends, piss off my significant other and disappoint family that has seen me tackle so much more than everyday pain.  It seems impossible to find the words to describe the inferno that RA is these days.  That it spreads as fast as a match lit and even when I can put out the fire the fatigue that comes after it is sometimes so much worse.  Because how do you tell someone, I made it through the pain but I’m just so tired, too tired?

Tired of justifying my pain, fatigue and my need for assistance.  First to myself, next to a Nurse, a Doctor and finally a pharmacist behind a counter who only understands audits and sees pen to paper not a person with a disease.  Most don’t look up from the counter at all, they focus only on a scribbled date, a lazier than usual Doctor’s signature or the real jackpot, when someone new has stepped in to fill out the prescription and they can raise multiple concerns over filling the one prescription, besides my chemotherapy, that gives noticeable improvement.

When days at the Doctor mean long wait times, lots of tubes of blood, body manipulating x rays, the poke and prod to find the pain exams and then the haul of paperwork over to the pharmacy where I hold my breath each time I walk in because this is perhaps the most uncomfortable part of the day.  It’s a place I have to consciously confront my weaknesses.  I can no longer pretend I don’t need the help, that I can mind over matter my disease.  I have to go here to put into words the fact that, on my own I am not enough.  That as positive as my attitude is I have lost the ability to come through my RA on a some what daily basis.  While I live in a world that has many options to help control my disease, it is still a stupidly strong adversary that has had plenty of time to leave nothing but destruction in its wake. While there were many, many years I counted my worth and strength and wins in how small my orange bottle stash was and just how full I could keep them as the calendar days fell away, that girl seems more of a distant memory than ever.

As I’ve failed one medication cocktail after another, and the dosages go up instead of down and just the word refill hangs heavy with anxiety I wonder why it’s so difficult to get.  Why the red tape of prescription drugs is not mentioned as a side effect yet, I can’t tell you.  For some people who will never live this life, I’m sure I’m the poster child for addiction.  But the difference here is by the time I reach for that prescription bottle I’ve suffered through hours of pain, limitation, and anguish.  Practiced one coping mechanism after another, gone to my mental happy places and back again and still RA and I will do this dance all day and all night and I’ve finally given into the fact that hydrocodone is the only thing willing to support my arms and float along with me on this dance floor, even if it's just a few fleeting minutes or if I'm lucky, hours.  And honestly it’s nice to know that after a decade of seeing the same Doctor he trusts me to know that no matter how bad the pain gets I will take my same dosage just the way it is prescribed and that in the time he can’t see me or protect me, pain medication is what he can do in those difficult moments. We both understand that it is sometimes the only nudge left available to push me back into a version of the world I can participate in.  But even with this much history, understanding and know how between us someone outside of us stands to make decisions about my life and my disease.  An outsider whose knowledge comes from statistics, complete with data not taken from a person like me, will set up fear and misinformation that makes every bump along this journey that much harder to navigate.  So along with pain, limitation, fatigue, and the sometimes companion of depression we can now add frustrating politics to our struggles.   I’m not sure how we got here, but I can say I will do everything in my power to not stay here.  I know that needing a drug is not the same as an addiction, I don’t know that chasing the feeling of health and normalcy is a crime, in fact I’m fully aware of the industry we call “Medicine” and how they've made a business out of it, and if I’m a criminal I’m in quite good company.  

Thursday, January 30, 2014

Victory? Or Defeat?

I received my acceptance letter from disability.

“As of June 2013 you meet all the rules to be eligible for SSI based on being disabled.”

It’s a strange feeling.  I have read and re-read that line 50 some odd times.  I could recite it to you in my sleep.  Part of me, the financially crippled part that watched my savings and credit drain away are terribly relieved.  Part of me was fraying at my seams too close to falling apart.  I can be a poor person, but it was very hard to be an irresponsible person.  To let bills go unpaid, to pay ridiculous late fees, to be at the absolute mercy of Chet and my family. 

Then there is the grown ass woman side.  The tough as nails side. The side that refused to push my pain pump after my second hip replacement because I didn’t want to slip away and miss anything, I didn’t want to deal with the “coming down” part of pains meds, I had too many bad memories from my first surgery.  I held out for so long I nearly gave myself a heart attack.  I almost killed myself to feel in control.  Can you imagine what that part of me feels like?  Part of me will hate me for it forever.  Part of me will always think I failed, that I wasn’t enough….that I let what I have swallow up the person I am.

Printed neatly in the pages of this acceptance letter was another line that said based on my case my health could improve and so I will be reevaluated in 3 years. 

So I tried to think about it, where will I be in 3 years? How much of me will give away my disease from the outside?  How will that woman get around, how many medications will she have tried?  How much more unrecognizable will she be from the woman I am today, who I was 5, 10, 20 years ago?

In 3 years will it go the other way around?  Will I have rested?  Stressed less?  Had the health coverage I needed to rebuild some of the pieces of me that have come crashing down around me?  In 3 years might I be ready to go back to work?  Will my body have finally caught up with this busy brain of mine?

I wish I had as much income as I have questions and worries.  I don’t want to seem ungrateful, I’m grateful for the money I’ll have now.  I am so thankful that I won’t worry that my next run of the mill cold turned walking pneumonia or case of shingles won’t be my last chance at a job that doesn’t understand chronic illness.  I’m thankful that I’ll never have to tell a supervisor I need a reduced schedule.  I’m thankful to be rid of various forms of uncomfortable and borderline prying conversations people who manage you justify asking.  For that part of the working world disability provides a very welcomed escape. 

I already miss having somewhere to be, people who depended on me, looked to me for help, I miss being really good at my job.  I miss watching strangers become guests who remembered me for years.  Guests who only let me handle their vacations, their special occasions, who brought me things on Holidays but mostly I miss the magic that lived in me. 

I miss me.
I miss being cap-able.

Disabled is such a dirty word sometimes.  If words were shackles, disabled and all its suffixes would be some strong ones.  Maybe it's why to this day, no matter how terrible I'm feeling I won't use my handicap placard on purpose.  I'll park as far away as possible and pay for my stubbornness just for the sake of being that stubborn woman, just to feel like I can still access that fire inside me that turned to embers when I wasn't paying attention.

I wanted to write an uplifting post because I know just how hard it is to get on disability.  I know too many people who are turned down when they deserve the help.  But I also want to use this blog to always provide honest reactions.  I’m still an eternal optimist.  It’s engraved in me like an evolution to keep one going in a life like this. 

But in its simplest terms….. I’m still pissed off.  I said it, I pissed off that I’m disabled. 

Sunday, December 22, 2013

Public enemy #1

I yelled at a pepper grinder today.  

Somehow, over night even in the span of a few hours I lost the ability to use my pepper grinder.  My snobby “I only use fresh ground pepper” self bought that for me, something I don’t normally do.  I buy out of necessity and sometimes not even then.  I had splurged for this.  Walked by more than one talking myself out of reasons to spend money on it and one day I just bought one.  Yesterday I was fine, it worked just fine but through the magic that is this disease I found myself unable to make my hands do what I wanted them to do.  Worse than that, the after effects of said effort is protests of pain and swelling and general discomfort.

I should tell you that I learned something today.  That my supportive boyfriend will grind all the pepper I need from now or that I have any number of people that I could call for their perfect pepper grinding skills but that isn’t what happened.  He offered to help and I didn’t want to hand off another limitation.  I wasn’t ready to be ok with needing his help for one more thing.  I wasn’t ok.  So I let myself be pissed off.  All. Day. Long.  I contemplated what I could do to that pepper grinder, how much I hated it, I almost went out to buy some ridiculously expensive mechanical version that will undoubtedly break sooner than I’d like it to considering its price tag.  I should tell you that the pepper grinder taught me some lesson about accepting my disease.  It didn’t.  It just made me angry. I’m still angry.  But for the first time in a long time I stopped talking about the silver lining, shiny version of tomorrow and I let myself feel scared, bad, and angry. 

I don’t do this enough. I bottle up what I feel, I talk myself into thinking things are the way they are for a reason and I’m a better person for the all the things that go wrong and missing.  I am that person, but it’s ok to wish I wasn’t every now and then and I think it’s important that I grieve the loss a little.  It’s like we had a break up, me and this pepper grinder. 

And so I cried.  And cried, ate some cookies and cried some more. In the midst of these ugly tears and ridiculous sniffling I had a realization.  It’s just change.  Not good or bad just different. Me and change we have this volatile relationship, the very definition of a roller coaster but at least it’s in motion.  What if everything in my life just stopped moving all together?  What if the power went out?  How awful would it feel to not feel at all?  There’s a lot of therapy in change and tears and resolve.  Maybe I’ll just have both.  Some fancy grinder and the one I’m not on speaking terms with at the moment….bad days come crashing down on you but on the flip side is you never know when you’ll have a good day, a good day to do some grinding.